Letting My Double D’s Go
I remember being a Sophomore in high school and going to Kings Plaza Mall with my best friend. I was still a few months out of recovering from surgery and we were so excited to be out on our own. We cracked jokes about Forever 21’s generic prices that were all $18.94 or $5.94. This was the first time I bought a set of cheap makeup brushes that I still own and the first time both of us would get our breasts’ measured.
Before my surgery my breasts were a really awkward size. For lack of better terms, my left boob was a full cup size bigger than it’s sister on the right. I pretty much had one D cup and one C sitting on my chest. Things started to even out a bit after surgery but these girls were still two completely different sizes.
Stepping into that Victoria Secret dressing room was something I always saw my older sister do. Until that day I never thought I’d go in myself. The lady who measured me asked what size I usually wore as she looped some measuring tape around my bust. When I told her a 32 C she shook her head, telling me that I was far too small. In Victoria’s Secret Everyday T-Shirt bra, which I guess was the most basic bra there, I was apparently a 34 DD.
This was beyond shocking news to me. I’ve been petite my entire life. I ran Track since I could run and never had any sort of baby fat. Where the hell did I get the genes for Double D’s?
As shocked as I was I was in a sense happy about it.
I was finally going to be a woman like all of my fully developed friends. Maybe now I wouldn’t be teased for my lack of.. everything. I wouldn’t be “just another skinny b*tch”.
For all of high school and even beginning college I was so proud of myself for having “big breasts”. My wardrobe would consist of slim fitting tops that shown off the only curve I really had and I’d always wear a tank top for that little extra boost. I was confident in knowing that I could fit just about anything while still looking great. I made my Double D’s my best friend.
But I still hated wearing swim suits, or ever going out without a bra. These were the only times where I’d see my Double D’s, my best friends, as small.
It wasn’t until a few weeks ago looking in the mirror that I realized I definitely didn’t have DD’s. At most, just really perky twin C’s.
My best friends had either gone away or they never truly existed. And I was heartbroken. How could I be beautiful or even pretty without big tits? I thought it would be impossible.
And then society started changing. Bralettes were the new trend and my sister would always how her breasts were far too big to wear these cute scraps of lace but that I could. My excuse was always that I wouldn’t be comfortable without wearing a padded, wired bra underneath them. This however was not something I could do as a dancer. For performances I needed to wear the bare minimum to be comfortable which was terrifying to me.
As I started getting into dance culture though I noticed how every dancer I came across, whether big or small, with rolls or trimmed waists; everyone was so comfortable in their skin!
No one gave a second thought to how their tits looked in their costumes, so I started learning from them.
Every time I went to Forever 21 I would leave with a cute new barrette and wear it during rehearsals the next day. In no time I started living in them. I was finally embracing the tiny person that I am. I can’t lie and say that I’m now perfect in my eyes. There are still times that I look in the mirror and pinch at my lack of womanly curves. My ex-friends, those DD’s, left me healing for a a long time. I felt hollow for a while without them and feared I would be “just another skinny chick” forever. But now I understand how important it is to remember that I am all I will ever have, and I am good enough for me.